Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Friend Zone

So I've been a little too chirpy the past few days (what with the Friends post and all), so it was only a matter of time before the Universe came to bite me in the ass. What's the story? Well, I've had a bit of crush on this one girl. So like any other normal person, I decided to get to know her a little better. You know, facebook, texting, the occasional phone call, even had lunch together. Turns out my plan of getting to know her worked a little too well. We're good friends now. Yayy! *bangs his head on the table*

I'm just gonna come out and say this. The Friend Zone sucks. There is not one good thing about the friend zone. Now if any of those idiots come up to me and say stuff like 'at least you've got a friend', well I'd tell them to stuff their heads down the you know what, and shove their advice up the you know where. I have enough friends. What I don't have is a girlfriend.

Ladies, I'll let you in on a secret. There is no guy on the face of this earth who likes hearing the words 'Our friendship is too important to me', or 'I think of you as my closest friend/older brother' from the girl he likes. You might think you're easing the blow, but we all know that it's simply code for 'I'm not attracted to you/I don't wanna date you/You're ugly but I'm too polite to say so.' And the worst part is, once you're in, you can never get out. There is no exit, you're doomed to stay there forever. Its even worse than the Phantom Zone in Superman (because you know, General Zod got out).

On a more personal note, I have finally realised that in the immortal words of Joey, I'm 'mayor of the friend zone'. Happens every single time. Yes, I do realise I'm doing something wrong, but not a single soul has been able to tell me what. And no, watching 'When Harry Met Sally' does not help. But hey, Ross did get out of the friend zone, so maybe there's still hope for me. But on the other hand, my failure rate has been an astounding 100%.
Damn, where's the alcohol when you need it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Okay so I'm in a happy mood these days, don't ask me why but I just am *applause*. So I decided this post should be about the two shows that help me when I'm not in a good mood, and just add to it when I am. I watch a lot of tv shows (30 Rock, Modern Family, Fringe, House, Big Bang Theory, Castle..damn, I really don't have a life), but there is something special about How I Met Your Mother. The only time I felt this connected to a show was when Friends was still on.

If anyone asks me which is my favourite tv show of all time, without thinking I'll reply 'Friends'. There was something about that show that was amazing. It had great actors, hilarious jokes and lovely music (they had With or Without You in one of the episodes). But what made this show truly great was how it touched us and made us emote for each of the characters. Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel and Joey were our friends. We cried when Ross and Rachel broke up, then got back together, than broke up, than got back together again, cried when Chandler proposed to Monica, and laughed every time one of these guys opened their mouths. And you know you were a mess when you saw the final episode. Nothing could replace this show.

But in 2005, when people all over the world (including me) were still crying over that last episode of Friends, and how there would be no more Friends, a little show came out. A show about a guy telling his kids the story about how he met their mother by narrating his time with friends in his 20s and 30s. Now the actors were great (especially Neil Patrick Harris). The music wasn't as popular, but the nice indie tunes gelled well. The jokes were funny but not as hysterical (again, with the exception of Neil Patrick Harris) as the ones on Friends. Its narrative structure was exceptional (its the Memento of television shows). But it had the one thing that Friends had that made this one pretty frickin great as well. Heart.

I like shows which make me laugh. But I love those shows which make me laugh and cry at the same time. For me, that's the mark of a great show. And every character, in both these shows, is capable of doing that. People compare the two shows. But both these shows have their own place, and thats why the blog heading isn't 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S v. HIMYM'. You never compare art.

As a tag along I've made a list of the top 10 episodes from each show in random order.

Friends: The One With(TOW) The Prom Video, The Last One, TOW Everybody finds out, TOW The Embryo, TOW No one's Ready, TOW Giant Poking Device, TOW Ross' Wedding, TOW The Proposal, TOW Monica and Chandler's Wedding, TOW The Videotape.

HIMYM: Game Night, Come On, Where Were We, Slap Bet, Something Borrowed, Something Blue, Miracles, Happily Ever After, The Playbook, Last Words.
(season 6 has been really great by the way).

Oh and before I forget....'we were on a break!' :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Truths about life

I love lists, so here's one about the non-philosophical truths (for the most part at least).

1) Bombay is better than Delhi.
2) You may like different cuisines, Chinese, Mexican, Italian, but deep down, you know Indian food is the best!
3) Deep down, everyone's a romantic.
4) No one ever stops watching Friends reruns no matter how many times you've seen each episode.
5)You never forget your childhood crush.
6) Almost every personal blog consists of self-mocking whines.
7) Men are allowed more freedom and can pee standing up. Women, deal with it.
8) Women can get multiple orgasms. Men, deal with it.
9) No matter how many times you say, you're not gonna get drunk and sloshed again, you still end up doing it.
10) You stopped buying music, the minute you learnt how to use the internet to download it.
11) You've made fun of at least one person in your life.
12) You agree that Friday by Rebecca Black is the worst song you've ever heard. But somehow, the tune is becoming catchier the more you listen to it.
13) If you don't have a Blackberry, you always say its of no real use. When you have a Blackberry, you show it off to everyone, but know that in fact it was a waste of money.
14) Apple products are over-hyped, over-priced, not superior to others, and the company hasn't made anything innovative since the original Iphone in 2005.
15) Google is awesome! But you're scared that they store all your info.
16) You get happy when you have more Facebook friends than your friends.
17) Self-help books never help, and deep down you know that Robin Sharma is an idiot who just stole your money.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Those Oversensitive Idiots

Okay so I don't feel like going into lame personal rants today. Yes, I am trying to increase readership (i.e. getting some actual humans to read follow this blog), but be warned, this is a temporary thing, and I will return to torturing the internet with my mindless, self-deprecating and self-loathing posts once again (evil laugh). So lets talk about something else.

The original title of this post was in fact ' Those retarded, oversensitive fags' but I thought it best not to start with an apparently 'insensitive and uneducated' title, especially since I'm trying to get people to read this (Yes, I am a whore for attention. It could have been worse, I could have sung Friday like ole Rebecca Black). So what is this post about? Well I'm beginning to seriously dislike people who get all oversensitive and douchy on you. Here's an example: I called the people who funded the Justin Beiber documentary retards on Facebook (didn't we all), and one of my friends commented below it saying 'Don't use the r word.' Like seriously, what the *beep*?

I'm not complaining about the friend. I get where he's coming from. And don't get me wrong, I'm all for a little sensitivity in this world. Heck, I'm Mr. Sensitive (irrespective of what the girls in my class say). What I really don't get it is when some pretentious oversensitive dude goes all 'hey, show a little sensitivity'. No character judgment, its just annoying, that's all. I reserve the right to call people (especially the ones I know) either gay, a fag or even retarded. I can call Justin Beiber gay, Charlie Sheen a retard and Lady Gaga a faggot. This is not being insensitive. Insensitive is going up to a person who in fact suffering from some metal ailment and going 'haha retard!' Understand the difference.

What difference does it make if its in a different context? Besides when was the last time you referred to a mentally challenged person as 'retarded'. Of course you call friends retarded every now and then for doing something stupid. If you really can't spot the difference, then seriously stop talking. If everyone starts getting oversensitive about every little thing, the world would literally blow up. I'd start a revolution with other short people the next time someone called me a 'midget', China might nuke India for calling them 'chinki' and so on and so forth. The point being, that mere words have very little value if its not used with the force or intention. Actually the point is stop annoying the fuck out of me if I call you a retard.


PS: Blogs got more than hundred views. I know most of the views are my own, but thanks to the odd few people who actually took the time to read this. You guys rock. Please spread the word (I told you I'm a whore trying to increase readership :D

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Friends who start dating and another girlfriend rant

Don't you just hate it when your friends start dating. Yeah of course you're happy for them for like 5 minutes and then you start cursing in your head. Not anyone in particular, more like 'fuck this cannot be happening again'.

So they start dating, taking stupid walks all over the place, constantly messaging, and generally being painful to hang out with. Okay not painful to hang out with, just hanging out a lot less. And almost every time you wanna go out to grab a meal, they have 'plans', if you want to see a movie, they've already seen it, if you just wanna waste your time with them, they're wasting it elsewhere. It makes my blood curl. And if anyone reading this (please follow my blog, I'm begging you) thinks I'm bitter, well no shit I'm bitter.

Look here's the thing, I hate it because friends really mean a lot to me. And I hate it that I can't hang out with them as much. But more importantly I hate it simply because of the fact that I feel left out. You don't have a girlfriend, you're slightly lonely, but your friend has a girlfriend/boyfriend, now you're alone. (Okay here comes another girlfriend rant, brace yourself).

I've actually given up on finding a girl. And I've even stopped trying. 'Cause if you don't try, you don't get rejected. Its a lot better to not try for success than be unsuccessful for the umpteenth time. I've got years of rejection as proof. So I act like like a douche, a jerk and all in all, like a chauvinistic pig. But hey pigs have feelings too.

Thanking your blessed soul for reading this rant,
have a good Sunday.

PS: why the fuck does everyone have to date someone at the same time?
PSS: I realise the picture doesn't exactly apply to the post, but it was the best that I could find.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Succession - A Short story

The Wooden boxes were lowered into the ground and then slowly covered with mud. The priest was reciting some of the prayers he had learnt before coming. 'He doesn't care',she thought. 'I'm the only one left, the last in the family'.
Two days ago, both her father's and her brother's bodies were dropped at the door of their mansion. Gangsters, obviously, have many enemies. There were no more heirs to the family business. She was in charge now. Guns would replace make-up, gun-holster, purses. She began to walk away from the grave when she heard a voice calling behind her. It was Tommy, her father right hand man. He had risen through the ranks pretty quickly, and at 30, he was only a year older than her.
"Hey Liz, wait up. Everyone's still here. Where you going?', he asked.
"I need some time alone. I need to think about what to do now. Please don't send any bodyguards after me."
"So you've made up your mind. You're going to take up the family business. I mean it's unusual for a........"
" Woman? I know."
"Elizabeth, you do know that we are probably on the brink of a gang war right? You think you can handle it?"
"I was ten, when my mother was killed in a gang war. Two days ago the rest of my family was killed. I don't think a gang war can be much worse",she said and walked outside onto the road. He decided to follow her just in case. She was walking on the footpath when a van drove up beside her. The doors opened and two pairs of hands pulled her in. Tommy prepared to remove his gun, when he heard two gunshots from within the van. He started running towards it, when suddenly the doors opened and Elizabeth jumped out. " Marino's men, I think", she began to say. "Tommy I want you to prepare a list and go after each and everyone who might be behind this and father's and Danny's murder. Leave no one. Get Marino to the mansion personally. He has to be taught that honesty and dignity are required in the business. There are two dead men in the van. Leave them there as a warning to everyone who is against us. And one last thing. If you ever follow me again, I will kill you", she said and began walking away. And for the first time in his life, Tommy felt scared of Elizabeth.
By the same time, next week, the gang war was in full flow. Old and new alliances were formed, enemies were being killed off one by one. Those who remained neutral, were frightened into ever going against them. Elizabeth, herself, coordinated all the activities from the mansion. Tommy was in charge of all the activities which she directed him to carry out. The entire city had begun to go up in flames because of the gang war, with more and more bodies piling up on the streets everyday. The police of course, on the payroll of the mob bosses did nothing. There was constant activity in the mansion. Elizabeth was with the arms dealer, personally selecting weapons. " We need heavy artillery dammit, it's a gang war not a duck shooting competition. Make that ten of the 47s and twenty 8mm Mausers," she said. Just then Tommy came in. "The Delalandes are either dead, or have fled back to New Jersey. We burnt down their operations and shot Zavier for good measure," he said. "Good, but it's not over yet", Elizabeth said. Tommy's phone began to ring and he excused himself. Few minutes later he came back. "We've got Marino."
Elizabeth entered the room. In the center was a bloody man, stripped till his waist. He was on his knees and he was tied up in rope, all covered in bruises. Elizabeth asked Tommy to remain in the room while the rest of the men stayed outside. The door of the room was shut and the interrogation began.
" Were you involved in their murders", Tommy asked and began to kick him.
" No, no. I wasn't. Why would I kill Joseph, and Danny...Danny was still young. Why would I do it?"
" Because they were your biggest competition. Ours was the only family more powerful than yours."
" But we had made a deal. To prevent the newer families and businesses from eating into our businesses we had decided to collaborate. We would have made larger profits together, wiping out the smaller businesses. Why would I kill him after that?"
Tommy stopped kicking him. "You liar", he began when Elizabeth cut him off. "He didn't kill them. I did."
"Don't look so surprised. I hated them both. My father always preferred Danny, treated me like a bitch in front of him. Even my mother died in the gang war started by him. Don't you understand Tommy? I want the power, the glory. Why do you think I started the gang war, asked you to bring Marino here? I learnt it from my dead father. Eliminate all competition, eliminate all threats. I am now, the sole boss, the queen of the New York underworld". Tommy didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then, he slowly raised his gun and pointed it at her. "Tommy, do you know why I asked you to remain in the room, the only other person here. I wanted to see where your devotion lies, with me or with my father. Unfortunately, it lies with a dead man", she said and began screaming.
Her bodyguards opened the door and rushed in only to see Tommy pointing the gun at Elizabeth. In few seconds, bullets pierced Tommy's body and he fell. Elizabeth pointed towards Marino and hardly a moment passed and his body fell towards the ground. "Throw their bodies out", Elizabeth said and walked out of the room. A bodyguard followed.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

When I could write...

Years ago, the ten year old me whiled away his time reading a book before an exam. I don't quite remember what it was, maybe an Enid Blyton, or perhaps it was The Goblet of Fire. And my dad angriliy asked me as to what I would do if I failed. Unerringly, without thinking, I said I would write a book.

I used to read a lot, from pulp fiction, to the classics. The joy of reading a good book was to visualize the world which the author created. To enter a whole new world on the mere imagination of another person, with you adding the fuel needed for the fire. And every once in a while, a book came along which was truly beautiful. To Kill a Mockingbird, The Kiterunner, The Catcher in the Rye, and yes, Harry Potter. Say what you may, but I did smile four years ago as I read the final words in 'Nineteen Years Later', and I did silently cry that there would no more. But reading was more than that. It was the andidote to life.

Maybe that's the reason I could write. As far back as I can remember I was good at writing. And more often than not, the only thing I was good at. I used to love writing English Language exams. Not those wretched comprehensions, not the mindnumbingly stupid grammar which everyone, including me, somehow always managed to get wrong. No, I loved the composition section. Because every composition was the opportunity to tell a new story. Boy, did I love doing that. They weren't always great, but almost all of them were good (I know because I got good marks). And of all the things I miss from childhood, perhaps writing stories is the one I miss most.

So what happens? In a nutshell, you grow up. I read a lot less now. After reading hundreds of pages worth of study material, sometimes a novel seems more tedious than fun. And writing? Well, it was a lot easier to write a story when a topic was handed to you. Writing a story from scratch is a lot tougher. But I wish I could still read one book a week. And someday, write my novel. It may not be great, it may not be good, not even average. But it would be mine. Maybe its a lost dream of a ten year old. I sure hope not.